Everett was x

NEW YEAR Update!

2012-01-30T16:30:00.003-05:00

It's been a while! Bandits moving around like crazy, working with a new booker, shooting an upcoming CALENDAR which is exciting, cast a few beautiful and talented young ladies at our audition this month, shot new live footage for a sales reel at Bar Anticipation in Belmar (one of NJ's largest shore venues) and been working a mile a minute creatively on my own end. Shot a music video with the incomparable Hettie Barnhill from FELA! on Broadway and The Wiz premiering on February 14th, was hired as a hip hop performer for the video to do some feature work and ended up directing some of her major dance sequences! Love working behind the lens, and excited to continue with more music video work this year. Also, took acting classes with Ross Meyerson, the casting director of shows like Fringe on FOX, Damages on FX, Rescue Me, and a few others. He was great to train with! February is looking insane already and I am thankful and loving every minute of it ; )

Bandits: Support The Troops Event

2011-11-25T15:49:00.001-05:00

The Bar-Top Bandits will host their second annual Thanksgiving Weekend celebration at the Kat Shack in Matawan to raise comfort donations for the troops in Afghanistan! Sponsoring Help Us Help Them, a non-profit created by a local military mom in New Jersey, this a small way that we can give back to our military that fight for our protection every day. Come out and bring some goods, it'll be an incredible evening : D

Bar Top Bandits Crash Watermark's 3 Year Anniversary

2011-11-17T23:20:00.001-05:00

Guess who showed up for the party?! Yeehaaaaaw! Watch the bar-top bandits live in action below, we had an incredible time, much love and thanks to Russell and Nona and all the staff at Watermark Asbury Park that make it such a pleasure to perform at the venue each and every time.

Metromix Jersey Shore Feature

2011-11-01T14:30:00.003-04:00

Got a front page feature from Metromix for the Bar-Top Bandits performance at the Downtown!

Thanks again to these guys for always doing some great pics and coverage, this is our third time being featured on the site!

Halloween 2011

2011-11-01T14:20:00.000-04:00

Reunited! Saw Dan and Craig for the first time in forever at different bars in the same night and then I remembered how we used to trick or treat as high school students in denial of our age, it was glorious. Went out with Maggie the flapper and Jared the masquerade man and at least once in the night we were dancing to Rollin on the River so it was a good night ; )
Pics coming later....

Hudson & Margie

2011-11-01T14:12:00.000-04:00

Went to visit the incomparable Margie Drake up in NY state for the weekend. Love her. One of a kind! <3 Beautiful town, lots of old people and antiques, but there was one restaurant and nightclub called Helsinki, it was magical. A former bus depot that was completely renovated into a gorgeous nightlife and dinner space, separated by a full length wooden paneled wall that opens up for major performances in their club section, which has four levels of table seating descending to the stage in the back of the venue. It hosted a performance from the British band Spottiswoode, which recently had a residency at The Living Room in the Village for Sundays in October. They were so perfect live, his voice is one of those that is actually better raw than on CD. Helsinki is gorgeous, so let's see if we can't get some Bandits up there in the near future! ; D

Bar-Top Bandits @ The Downtown!

2011-11-01T13:46:00.001-04:00

The girls went all out for a recent performance at the Downtown here in Red Bank, NJ. We built a custom "bar top" stage for our performance that went 30 feet deep into the crowd off of the stage, not a bad way to make up for no bar tops to dance on! The crowd was a blast, The Bandits killed it, from strong vocals to great dance routines (especially the dance troupe numbers!) I am so proud of these ladies and how far we've come in the last few months as a group! Booyah, Bandits!

England & Edinburgh

2011-11-01T13:41:00.000-04:00

Had the trip of a lifetime visiting the Lake District in Cumbria, England, near the Lowther Estate. It was magnificent. Cheered on my mom who competed in the World Trial for sheepdog herding.
Wonderful people, incredibly breathtaking views, and great cider beer : D

Bandits & Stryke Force: Take 2

2011-08-19T00:47:00.002-04:00

Logged more time in the studio this week at Ripley Grier in Manhattan in preparations for our upcoming numbers featuring crew from Styrke Force! These guys have turned it out and the girls are in top form, can't WAIT to see this live in the clubs! ; P

Bandits & Stryke Force Dance Rehearsal

2011-08-19T00:45:00.002-04:00

Back in the studio and stronger than ever, The Bar-Top Bandits brought in some crazy talent from America's Best Dance Crew finalists Stryke Force for some sick performances this fall in NYC!!

Getting Away

2011-08-04T14:45:00.002-04:00

Took the Bolt bus from NYC to Boston to spend a weekend in the Cape!
So happy to get away for a few days and get back to nature, headed to NH today to go hiking in the Appalachian mountains ; D

Ciao belli!

Bandits Live at Sand Blast!

2011-07-27T13:47:00.001-04:00

Everett's 27th B-Day!

2011-07-25T12:34:00.003-04:00

APP.com Article Feature for Bar-Top Bandits!

2011-07-23T03:08:00.007-04:00

The Bar-Top Bandits get a feature placing on
APP.com, Asbury Park Press for Sand Blast Weekend performances and appearances!
BOOYAH, Banditas! : D

Read Here!

Bar-Top Bandits: New England

2011-07-04T11:27:00.003-04:00

NY Bar & Wine Show

2011-06-30T23:39:00.012-04:00

I hit up the New York Bar and Wine Show with some lovely ladies to rep the Bandits on Tuesday and Wednesday this week, we made some very promising contacts along with filming a promotional video for Designer Limos on their new limo party bus, and lastly the ladies performed on stage for the crowd both days at the expo. Couldn't have asked for a more successful run of the last 6 days from our tour to the Bar Show at the Javits Center. Booyah, Bandits!

New England Tour

2011-06-30T23:01:00.003-04:00

The Bandits and I kicked off their tour with a five-stop, four-day performance schedule in the Northeast!
We hit up major venues around Boston and Fall River, Massachusetts, before wrapping up an incredible weekend with a stop on the beach in Hampton Beach, NH. The girls looked and sounded phenomenal, this is going to be a crazy ride I can tell already! : D

Bar-Top Bandits: "What the Hell!" Sneak Peek

2011-06-16T23:28:00.001-04:00

Now Playing: The Bar-Top Bandits!

2011-06-14T02:16:00.003-04:00

Here's the latest! Meet the girls of the Bar Top Bandits. Now on tour!

2011 Relay for Life Cancer Benefit

2011-06-06T15:44:00.003-04:00

The Bandits took part in a cause very close to their hearts this weekend, performing for the attendees of the 2011 Relay for Life walkathon at Raritan High School in Hazlet, NJ! The girls did a fun set of some of their classic numbers and gave out prizes to the crowd of teens and parents supporting the local charity event to find a cure. It was a beautiful field completely reminded me of Friday Night Lights! : D

LOL!

2011-05-30T22:00:00.008-04:00

Me and some very neon Bandits having an impromptu crazy moment ripping my clothes off during filming of our "What the Hell" number last Monday night at Pure nightclub!
Sign into Facebook to view the clip from our amazing videographer Taylor Lisney, click here: "What the Hell" LMAO!

Kayaking

2011-05-28T00:15:00.000-04:00

Went kayaking the other day on the Navesink... love the water! ; D

Bandits Live w/Lansdowne!

2011-05-12T14:49:00.000-04:00

Just announced! The Bar-Top Bandits are taking the stage with Lansdowne this weekend at Rock the Burg in central Massachusetts! The girls will take the stage alongside the band for a very special performance. The group is headlining the tour alongside Hinder and Saving Abel!

Carmen Carrera: Drag Race

2011-04-27T00:43:00.014-04:00

Drag Race Finale Party

Met one fly JERSEY girl last night @ Ru's Drag Race Season Finale Party at Providence. Line was craaazyyyyyy lonnnnng but u know our girl Mila Jam (mila meooooow??! ; P) hooked it up!!
hung in vip with Mila's fellow manhattanite entertainers watching Ru's Top 6 perform---FULL out wardrobe--- this aint no red neck drag show ladies turned it out!

Spent a good long while talking with Tatiana from season two, sweetheart-
All around amazing evening including the show's afterparty
; )
2011 is seriously a good time ------Hollaaaaa!!!!

Hold it against me

2011-04-21T18:38:00.001-04:00

This is hysterical! Love it!

Reflections

2011-04-12T13:12:00.002-04:00

Life is strange. Timing of events and coincidences. Being in a particular place at a particular time and realizing that it means more than you would have ever planned it to. And then you remember you have someone watching over you!

New Behind The Scenes Bandits Footage!

2011-04-01T03:29:00.002-04:00

Take a look at the process of filming the girls new promotional reel at Watermark!

New Group Shot

2011-03-20T22:03:00.003-04:00

My dance dream team! Mila, Lu, Saida, Stef, me, Kara and Ms. Laura Marie ; )

The Bar-Top Bandits Live!

2011-03-13T23:28:00.004-04:00

Make sure to watch in HD by clicking where it says "360p" and selecting 720 HD!

On Set

2011-03-07T12:19:00.001-05:00

Hanging with my girls ; D

Metromix Bandits Feature!

2011-02-15T01:14:00.007-05:00

We made front page news over at Metromix Jersey Shore today! The popular New Jersey nightlife guide covered our "Bar-Top Bandits: Banding Together for the Troops" Fundraiser at the Kat Shack this weekend, Click HERE to check out the photo gallery. Thanks to everyone in attendance for helping make the fundraiser a huge success for the men and women in Afghanistan needing comfort donations; the event supported the 'Help Us Help Them' Foundation by Kathy MacCutcheon. For more on how to help, check out Facebook.com/theKatShack
; )

Burlesque: Sneak Peek!

2011-02-03T15:39:00.003-05:00

Plus check out this behind the scenes look at their jump-off party anthem "Give It All You Got", Lil Jon feat. Cee!

Dance Troupe Rehearsals Kick Into High Gear

2011-02-01T23:00:00.004-05:00

The girls are working it out this week @ Ripley Grier Studios with the one and only Mila Jam!

Lu Killin' It! Freestyle to "Check it Out"

2011-01-28T00:54:00.000-05:00

First Rehearsal! Bar Top Bandits Dance Troupe

2011-01-26T15:07:00.001-05:00

Sick! These girls are incredible! So happy to be working with such talented young women.

Audition Video #2: Ripley Grier Studios, NYC Bar-Top Bandits Dance Troupe

2011-01-24T23:30:00.004-05:00

Check out our new dancers Laura (far left in yellow) and Kara (front right in pink top)
; D

1/19 Bandit Audition @ Ripley Grier, NYC

2011-01-22T20:16:00.000-05:00

Audition Success!

2011-01-21T00:35:00.007-05:00

Had some very lovely performers at the auditions yesterday @ Ripley Grier Studios, great energy, great choreography (thanks to Mila Jam and her combination in the second half of class!) all around it was a wonderful audition. It was fun getting into the studio and being on the other end of the table! Teaching choreo to a new group and having them kill it within the first 5 minutes was worth all the work preparing for the day ; )
This is going to be an incredible tour!

Casting New Tour Group!

2011-01-10T18:00:00.002-05:00

In association with ShowHouse Productions, Wednesday, January 19th, come audition to be part of NYC/NJ's next touring girl group!
More details at www.bartopbandits.com ; )

Coming Soon...

2011-01-02T01:46:00.003-05:00

Life

2010-12-30T01:27:00.004-05:00

New Year: New Chapter.
With open arms and wide eyes, excited to have my most productive and successful year yet.

New Image

2010-12-20T01:21:00.001-05:00

Photo courtesy of Danny Sanchez

Celebration!

2010-12-18T13:09:00.007-05:00

DADT to be lifted! This is a great step in the right direction for this wonderful country. Many people close to my heart will be positively affected by this change, and so many others I don't know will become empowered from overturning this legislation. Rejoice! Read more here

Coyotes Live! 11/27

2010-12-13T19:59:00.001-05:00

The pics are up!
Check them out on Facebook!

New Music

2010-12-05T21:28:00.000-05:00

Teaching myself Clair de Lune on piano... love it! ; )

Coyotes Thanksgiving Weekend!

2010-11-29T02:23:00.004-05:00

What a great night!
Check back soon for more ; D

Halloween...

2010-11-25T01:43:00.002-05:00

was a blaaaast!!!!!!!

great crew this year amazing time ; D love u guys!

New Coyote Ugly Promo

2010-11-23T23:49:00.002-05:00

Worked out a new promo for our pilot taping by Aarius Studios this Saturday, take a look ; D

Coyotes Practice

2010-11-22T13:05:00.003-05:00

Been choreographing for the dancers for the 27th!
Take a look inside one of our practices; here we're doing the old school performance of the night, taken from Christina's "Dirrty" video ; D

Coyote Ugly Event

2010-11-18T13:51:00.003-05:00

Put together a promo for a repeat event from September at the Kat Shack after the great response from the first night! Choreographing for the dancers, will be a great night, pilot taping for new reality show picked up by one of the producers of Jimmy Kimmel Live! ; D

Julia's Animated Portfolio

2010-11-16T18:30:00.006-05:00

I've been working with my close friend Julia Geier on updating her portfolio recently with new images; take a look at what I've edited for her so far! She's beautiful, but more importantly, she's a wonderful spirit who always fills the room with happiness every time I see her ; D

@ AP Convention Hall!

2010-11-07T19:23:00.003-05:00

Tasting Grace opened for Lucha Va Voom @ the Asbury Park Convention Hall last night and Jenna G-Love killed it! Great vocals, great look, the crowd loved it! It's going to be a solid tour in Puerto Rico ; D

Full Length Photo Set: Allie and Zeke

2010-10-20T01:07:00.002-04:00

Shooting with these guys was a great time, and for Zeke's first modeling session he definitely showed potential. Excited for both of them ; )

Allie and Zeke

2010-10-16T03:51:00.001-04:00

Preview of my latest shoot!
Coming Soon! ; D

Allie's New Shoot

2010-10-01T00:40:00.008-04:00

Got behind the camera for a new shoot with Allie who recently snagged two agencies under her belt shortly after completing this shoot! Congrats Allie, here's to a successful future in whatever you choose ; D

Tasting Grace Music Video "No Regrets"

2010-08-22T16:34:00.003-04:00

Tasting Grace and Jenna G Love recently completed their video for "No Regrets" which I was happy to be on set for; wrangling extras, checking up with Jenna and adding some "Magic Man" energy to the set for a few days of their very long shoot. Happy to see it coming together for them, may be working with them in the near future more directly...... or should I say more "director"-ly... hmmmm.... let's see what happens! I'd like to be at the helm of their next video, I think they'd get some insane stuff!
Congrats are in order for now tho ; D take a look below if you'd like

New Year!

2010-07-22T20:43:00.003-04:00

Celebrated a birthday recently, excited for the things coming in this new year . Off to a great start--- been traveling everywhere, lots of car rides, lots of new music, lots of places new and old. Psyched to get even more involved with graphics/design/entertainment/new media etc. etc. etc.!!!
HOLLAAA ; D

Here's to 26

Graffitiiii n Me

2010-06-26T22:17:00.003-04:00

Hanging out, vacation up in NY State ; D

Diesel Store Midtown NYC

2010-06-07T22:40:00.002-04:00

in luv

2010-06-01T02:14:00.000-04:00

; P

New Model Shoot

2010-05-24T13:06:00.016-04:00

Allie is an aspiring model from the local area who got in touch with a friend for a photoshoot;
we got some great shots! Hope for the best for her in the future ; D

MMG

2010-05-20T01:48:00.003-04:00

Newly represented by MMG Talent, NYC and couldn't be happier about a union with such an incredible group!

Looking forward to great things with this company over the next few years! Good vibes, great castings, VERY excited for what's ahead ; D

Welcome to Wonderland

2010-05-20T00:47:00.002-04:00

Exclusive preview of artwork for Jenna G-Love during her upcoming promo tour for Tasting Grace's CD Alter Ego!!

Hollaaaaaaa ; D

Jenna in Wonderland!!

2010-05-10T23:44:00.003-04:00

So I came up with this idea one day that Jenna should be the MAD Hatter in her own fairytale story of Alice in Wonderland, with a few twists ; ). We rounded up an actress (The Red Queen) an aspiring model (Alice) and a funky fresh blogger from String On Your Sleeve (Harajuku girl) for a trippy photoshoot inside an antique warehouse I scouted with a little help. With a fellow photographer behind the camera, this vision came to life! Happy to be a part of directing something so creative with such fresh talent.

Here's a recently edited pic Jenna did some tinkering with ; D

New Photoshoot with Audrey!

2010-04-24T14:12:00.006-04:00

Audrey is the co-founder of Sweet Spud and did a photoshoot with me today for the site.

Here's a sample of some of the images! Really had fun with her she's hysterical! I like how these images turned out.

Mark Weiss Photoshoot & Tasting Grace @ Primal Stare!

2010-04-01T17:34:00.012-04:00

Met up with the band @ Primal Stare to keep Ms. G-Love looking HOT and wrangle all the high-energy extras that came out to be in her focal scene for the "No Regrets" music video!
I can definitely say this footage was the HOTTEST yet (loved watching the playback!) and this video is going to be, as we say, hot tamale-- ; D
Jenna G-Love did her thing with Celebrity Photographer and Primal Stare's newest resident photog Mark Weiss!
Watching Weiss work with the group was like magic. He's worked with entertainers like Johnny Depp, Luke Perry, Drew Barrymore, Destiny's Child, Aerosmith and everyone inbetween; it was an honor.
Stay tuned for some video screen caps in April leading up the video premiere Summer '10!

Music Video Shoot was CRAZY!!

2010-03-26T11:57:00.019-04:00

Had a BLAST last night working with an incredibly fun group of individuals from Primal Stare Studios and the members of Tasting Grace! We shot @
Watermark on the Asbury Park Boardwalk in NJ and had over 200 extras looking fly and helping us get some beautiful shots ; D

Final shots getting picked up in studio @ Primal Stare with 50 extras for a live concert shoot, can't wait!!

Tonight's the Night!!

2010-03-24T13:38:00.003-04:00

Big night tonight: Music Video filming @ Watermark for Tasting Grace's New Single "No Regrets" !!
Managing over 200 extras and keeping the shots hot tamale!
PLUS tonight is my 2nd of 3 Ugly Betty Episodes to air!
This episode, Million Dollar Smile, was shot at the Guggenheim, I posted some behind the scenes a week or so ago.

Exciting stuff going on will keep you updated!

On the Set of Ugly Betty Episode 418

2010-03-12T13:20:00.007-05:00

Returned to the set of Ugly Betty for a shoot at the Hudson Hotel in Manhattan. Loooooong day!

Filmed a few sequences for a London Fashion Week episode coming up, and without spoiling anything I can say Betty gets a great offer for something... hmmmm ; D

Jenna G Love promotional/marketing

2010-03-09T17:07:00.004-05:00

Excited to announce I will be working with local recording artist Jenna G Love on her upcoming music video shoot in Red Bank and Asbury Park, NJ @ Red Restaurant and Lounge in downtown RB and Watermark Lounge on the Asbury Boardwalk! Great things to come, will post more soon!

Ugly Betty, Episode 417 behind the scenes at the Guggenheim

2010-02-23T01:32:00.011-05:00

Impromptu photoshoot:

Top floor of the museum:

Screen Caps "Chica and the Man" Ugly Betty Episode 13 Season 4

2010-02-06T20:32:00.004-05:00

Ugly Betty Scene 1

2010-02-05T00:56:00.000-05:00

Starting @ the 1 minute mark!

UGLY BETTY Snippet

2010-02-04T03:07:00.001-05:00

second night of appearance in show with Rupaul and Vanessa Williams

New Interview with Red Bank Orbit!

2010-02-02T13:53:00.003-05:00

Check out my interview with an online newspaper Red Bank Orbit here!

New Remix Video!

2010-02-01T23:58:00.003-05:00

Kate Hudson as Britney
Nine to 3 Remix!! Hollaaaaa
LOVED doing this I knew when I saw the film it would work with it ; D

New Piano Podcast to Already Gone

2010-02-01T20:14:00.008-05:00

My music session with Theresa is up on my Podcast!
You can hear me on Piano playing Already Gone by Kelly Clarkson, Theresa and I were playing around in the studio and we'll have something legit up as soon as we stop slacking!! LOVE Garageband!

@@@My Podcast is NOW Searchable on iTunes!!!
'Everett was x'

My Podcast is Up and Running!

2010-02-01T19:57:00.004-05:00

Check out web.me.com/everettbrothers to hear my two new podcasts!
I will be featured in iTunes starting February 3rd, searchable as "Everett was x", you can search in the top right bar in iTunes!
Very exciting as I can now make a whole bunch of audio ramblings to go along with my videos and other nonsense!
Ciao belli ; D
Ev

Official 'Circus' Choreography w/New Chair Dance

2009-06-20T19:52:00.001-04:00

If U Seek Amy Choreography

2009-02-20T19:57:00.000-05:00

PCD/JANET/PINK Performance @ Be:Bar, Washington D.C.

2008-09-05T15:15:00.002-04:00

Janet Jackson- Official "Feedback" Music Video Choreography

2008-03-02T16:30:00.002-05:00

Janet Jackson-"Feedback" Choreography

2008-03-02T16:30:00.001-05:00

Performance w/Dance Group 'Psychotic'- "Maneater"/"Buttons"/"Wait a Minute"

2008-03-02T16:27:00.004-05:00

Britney Spears- "Gimme More" Choreography

2008-03-02T16:27:00.003-05:00

Relationships: A Retrospection

2008-03-02T16:25:00.000-05:00

Let me count the ways and then let's hear your additions.

We've had most of these, more than these, and some of the same more than once.

-You were more into him than he was into you. Consequentially, you probably pushed him away. This was unavoidable. Even when you knew you might do it and then tried to avoid it, he found a way to leave you anyway.

-He was into you way more than you were into him. This lasted too long; it was comfortable and overindulgent, leading you to finally changed your stagnant lifestyle. He's still not over you.

-The one that got away. Don't worry. He'll continue getting away from relationships well into his 30's, at which point he'll probably settle down with some man/woman (yes this list is for women and non-hetero men) that completes his idea of a perfect relationship (read: clearly dysfunctional from 50 feet away).

-The one that you dated because he made you feel good about yourself. May have gotten away. May have been overweight.

-The one you dated although he made you feel bad about yourself. You left him. He's currently treating someone else just as poorly. They're probably engaged.

-The smart one. You created the block that eventually ended the relationship. There were those days where you just wanted him to get your stupid humor. He didn't. You left.

-The foreign one. *sigh*

-The older one. Well, you felt more mature afterwards! ...and then that exuberance wore off and you just felt dirty.

-The gay one. You really should have known. Well, you kind of did but you did it anyway.

-The one who you thought was forever; you were young.

-The one that makes you wonder why... still. Still wondering.

-The one who you really liked except for that one thing he did that pissed you off enough to leave him. Now it makes you laugh.

-The immature one. Yes, he's still that immature.

-The one with the bad body who brought something new to your life. Sometimes the smart/old/pissed you off one. He was worth it.

-The rich one/The one with the nice apartment. Sometimes also the smart one. You suddenly realized after 5 drinks that you were tired of hiding who you "really were", and then proceeded to act belligerent and spew out profanities. He stopped calling. You understood why.

"Trash Face"/"You're Single BC They're Intimidated by You!"

2008-03-02T16:18:00.000-05:00

There's something endearing, albeit unlikely and too "hollywood", about those 2 guys who were cowboys and had unprotected sex in a tent in a forest in the movie by that asian guy. That's about as far as the gay community comes to endearing, ever.

I went out with Blair Bryant last night, or as many of you know him, a former resident of "the deep south" who looks like the male equivalent of Barbie's shorter and younger friend Stacy.

The night started out fun, we both had been binge drinking at different locations before meeting and going to Halo... or as it shall now be known, "the location where gorgeous men in dire need of being acknowledged for their looks stand alongside other men of equal hotness and position themselves in the center of the crowd but manage to not speak directy to or catch eyes with anyone else in the vicinity so as to simultaneously raise their self-esteem (and consequentially their own self worth) while creating a hierachial social network that they position themselves on top of without dispute."

Blair and I are both attractive; he is more of a "cute" single, and I am more of a "hot" single, so it's very much a 6-degrees of Tia and Tamara when we do p.r. together. So of course questions arise when we notice that 40 minutes into our conversation we still haven't been approached by anyone in the room.

We have both been told by peers and other individuals close to us that, "it's just that you're intimidating to them because you're attractive and funny and talented and they can tell that and probably think you wouldn't like them anyway."

This is the type of statement that makes me want to buy one of those shirts that say, "I'm single" and wear it out in public.

I would never buy a shirt like that, and i DEFINITELY wouldn't wear it to a gay club, those men always look really, really cheap.
Or worse, ones like, "I'm single not desperate", or "You'll do", or "Don't call me baby", or "Princess", or "HOT!" with a little fire underneath it or something.

Don't wear shirts that say things, ever.

Wearing those means that you have to explain to, or be ready to talk with, anyone who decides to approach you on it.
That's not hot when you're getting dunkin donuts after a hangover and the person in line next to you is like, "a-huh! so, you WANT me, do you?!"
And you're like... "dad, stop it."

So back to the evening:
At this point Blair and I were drinking martinis out of mixed drink glasses and pointing to our faces and describing that location as desirable and perfect. We were wondering how we looked that good and no one was talking to us. I started to get a little bit of the Irish loud-laugh drunk face, at which point Blair advised me to stop being out of control, at which point i put my arm up against the wall next to me in an attempt to be Mr. James Dean, except it never really looks the same way you picture it in your head.

I start doing the Tiffany with my hand next to my face in an attempt to diffuse the remarkably unfriendly and dry atmosphere upstairs at the lounge.

Still no takers...
I mean, really... seriosuly though, come ON, this was the Tiffany dance. There's no such thing as NOT being hot and doing that hand movement up-and-down and side-to-side next to your face; it shows your ability to do two gravitationally opposing movements at the same time.
It's the ultimate mating call of the post-modern era. It pushed the head-tap tummy-circle to it's consumeristic sexual limits.

A skill you develop when you know gay people for a while is you can tell when they abuse drugs and, more specifically, what drugs those are.

Blair mentioned after a friend walked away that he was, "high as a kite on uppers." I had no idea, but I had never met him before so i couldn't compare his demeanor to something else.

So this guy I met last night had that look on his face like where you want to stare at their lips because you're like... um why are they this weird red hue, and then it reminded me of my old flame Tom who started treating drugs like candy after i stopped seeing him, and i remembered his face.

It's the drug face.

It is as easily noted as the "trash face" once you learn how to discern those with these features from the general public.

Trash face appears in all of Anna Nicole's immediate family.
Trash face appears in the women who wear those oversize shirts they bought in the 80s that say "don't hate me cause i'm cute" and it has a cupcake logo with a smiling squirrel standing on that cupcake in front of a rainbow.
or shirts like "gotta love hugs!" with an image of two cartoon bears hugging with gay little faces.
Trash face also happens in liquor stores that double as bars, and at supermarket customer service desks where one can usually overhear an argument on coupon discounts and returns without receipts.

Where have you seen trash face?

"The Gay Friend"

2008-03-02T16:16:00.000-05:00

There's nothing worse than being a gay man... and being "the gay friend."

"Oh my god! I've never HAD a gay friend!"

....

like we're a fucking native american or something.

"Oh my god! I've never SEEN a pueblo!"

The introduction to other people is always the most challenging aspect of that friendship, which is always with a woman, i couldn't imagine a straight man expressing quite the same gratitude.

now mind you, i'm bisexual... (i'll pause for the unavoidable backlash facial gesture that accompanies this statement)... ok, moving on, for the relatability of this story i will be "gay."

When you're being introduced to a friend of a girl is one thing, but to the BOYfriend of a girl is a completely different story.

Men are men. They may not be smart, or intuitive, or wise, but they know other men. They know that a gay man will get drunk and have sex with his girlfriend, and for that reason, the "but he's GAY baby!" excuse rarely ever works.

To make the boyfriend like you you have to "protect" the girlfriend in at least one situation that could have compromised her life, her vagina, or her sexual appeal. basically her life and vagina.

From that point on, he will respect and possibly adore you for your non-threatening demeanor and fanciful attitude. But only when it's the three of you.

The introduction to the boyfriend is the most obnoxious part of being a gay man.

You can't be like a "hey, I'm Brian, I've heard a lot about you." and throw in a handshake and half smile.

The girlfriend will expect you to, at least, courtsey and giggle, put your hand out as if to be kissed, and touch your hair or face in awe of the handsomeness of the man before you.

You should probably shuffle over to him, use an effeminate demeanor and vocal inflection, and say something like, "oooo, he IS delish!"

.... this is why gay men hate women.

Introduction to friends is a whole other demeaning ritual in itself.

Being the gay friend is kind of like being "the funny friend," in that your purpose is acknowledged before your name and there is an expectation that the entire night you are there to live up to your title and appease those around you.

Being the funny friend (or gay friend) means you get to chill with the hot girls, and this is something funny (ugly) and gay people live for.
Everyone wants the hot girls.
Even the other girls.

It's the whole angelina jolie factor.

So the hot girl introduces you to her friends.
"Here's that gay guy i was talking to you about! Isn't he adorable?"
She'll throw in a compliment about you at first, at which point they will probably go "awww!", it's a way of throwing them off guard from personally attacking you at first meeting, like they do to most other girls.

What happens next is they all stare at you.

All of them.

They just stand there, and look at you.

Remember how you were introduced?

"do something funny!" is most likely the next thing one of them will say, holding a wine glass in her hand and staring at you to be entertained.

Let me tell you from a personal perspective, it is impossible to be funny on cue.

No one can do it.

Ever.

You'll probably just say something stupid and they'll fake laugh and go back to talking about that other girl clique that is ratting them out on their sexual liasons to the student body.

At this point, they will relax around you, one of the girls will probably talk about her vaginal itching and another will walk around in panties and change her bra in front of you. This is the secret lesbian girl. Most of the girls have picked up on this, but she's hot and there's never any intention of them having sexual relations so they just kind of let her do her thing, and sometimes they get off on it. She's also a little louder and angry, and she always has a problem with the other girls being "abused" or "fucked around with" by their boyfriends... or most men for that matter. They have this territorial complex thing. And if you weren't gay they would have cut your balls off when you first walked in. They don't like you that much, because penises are the angry demons from hell that deprive women of the ability to satisfy themselves and each other.

So being the funny friend is annoying, but being the gay friend means a short lifetime of deception and personal embarassment to affiliate yourself with your own little clique. It's fun though, that's how you get what you want; the gay man always wins.

What Kind of Friend Are You?

2008-03-02T16:04:00.000-05:00

Friends.
love them, console them, miss them, date them, talk about them, forget about them, grow old with them, grow apart from them, make changes with them, recuperate with them, and always having your personal relationships come before them.

Over the years, primarily from hanging out with many girls with many, many similar issues, i feel like i can sort of narrow down most of those who i know, who i knew and who i run into into a few categories.

This is strictly for women, men are of course much simpler and primitive, and therefore could not comprise an entire list of personas on their own.

The Fashionable Friend:
This bitch is hot. She knows style, she networks, she assimilates, does anything necessary to be the icon in countless men's worlds, but saves her real emotions in life for you over a glass or bottle of her favorite wine. She makes most of her friends because of how they look, but she doesn't know that. She inspires you to be more provocative, more glamorous, or more ruthless, but does it with the attentiveness of a mother bear teaching its cub how to kill. There are many memorable journeys with this friend, and they tend to linger around for a while, especially when you revel at how tempting her fast-paced world really is. She'll be there for you, but don't expect a deep-rooted commitment from her, she's fleeting.

The Smart Friend:
We all have them. She's the girl who can devour a mathematical pie in front of you, but doesn't have what it takes to make a move on Bill Gates. There's nothing wrong with that, in fact, these friends can be some of the most inspiring and strong-willed individuals you will ever encounter. They are well-read, they can tell you about what's wrong with the world today if at a social gathering and you have to act intelligent, they understand how the economy works, and more importantly, they say it like it really is. Maybe they're not too savvy on the hot gossip or latest tabloid phenomena, but they have a keen sense of the good and the bad of it all, and usually act as great detectors for drama and bad-endings in many scenarios. You can learn a lot from this girl, so lend a helping hand or two when she's getting ready for a night out.

The "I'm in an abusive relationship" Friend:
God. Please. Shut the fuck up. this girl will make you want to kill yourself. Unless, and only unless, she smokes a lot of weed. I mean a lot. Not like, hey let's smoke the end of this bowl amount, i mean hi i have a blunt just come over and smoke it all i'm already high amount. She will always have something going wrong in her relationship, wanna know why? Because if she doesn't, she does not exist to you. Gone. Unavailable. Phone is off. You are only there because there is trouble in "paradise" and you are the healer. You do not know this, and she believes you do, so just play along and pretend to listen. This girl is a sweetheart, not even that dumb, but for some reason she's just makes stupid choices when it comes to relationships. She dates that guy who gets drunk after work at 5 and doesn't remember their anniversaries. The one who is somewhat dirty around the edges and doesn't have good table manners. She will leave him, yes, but not because of you. It will be on her terms and she will go back, at least once. After she leaves him... finally... she will find someone who treats her wonderfully, but he'll be fat and never leave his apartment. This girl can also be described as your "community service" friend, because after you're done hanging out with her, you feel really good for doing it, kind of like community service.

The "I'm really cool and people think my voice sounds hot, but men never date me cause I'm always the first one drunk and I wear weird panties" Friend:
Best described by her title. This girl is cool, she has everyone on campus on lockdown, knows all of the attractive people and their sexual history, but for some reason she just loses it when it's time to go party. She gets messy. And not in a sexy, Carmen Electra kind of way. More of a "i straightened my hair and it looked good at 10:30, but now it's 1 and i look stingy" kind of messy. Her outfit always looks good in the beginning of the night, but something ruthless encounters her every time she leaves her home and finds its way into demolishing any hopes of her classiness faster than you can say Debbie Matenopoulos. She's pretty smart, too. But you wouldn't be able to tell that in Monday morning classes because everyone's still laughing about what she did two nights ago to some type of domesticated animal at a frat party. And the whole panties thing, that's just because they're always that one pair left over after the party that everyone's like, "why did some dyke take her underwear off?" Be nice to this girl, she may have her faults, but she will destroy you in front of everyone, even if her boob is hanging out and she just had unprotected sex with a former member of a late 80's boy band. And a bad boy band. Don't think NKOTB, no. she couldn't get donnie. She'd get WHAM! and not george michael, someone much, much worse.

The "I'm lost in figuring my true identity out, am conscientious on global warming, but still have a Prada bag and drink heavily" Friend:
There's somewhat of an aura around this friend. Every time you see her you want to hug her. She's just cute. You probably asked her to the prom, and she probably said yes. She always looks concerned when she's hanging out in Starbucks drinking something with an obnoxious title to it, as if she's deep in thought on figuring out the world's crises, but will stop for a minute to give you an update on life and tell you why she's decided to go to some butt-fuck college in the middle of nowhere, or rather has dropped out of college and moved into the city to pursue some random career path involving little skill and a lot of long hours so she can open an art gallery or hemp business. Her style is always evolving, don't try to follow it. She'll hit u up with the, "i don't care clothes are for fools, so i just threw this on to cover up my vagina because men are pigs and just want to fuck anything they see" kind of outfit, and then 5 months later will be wearing one of those, "i only wear modern banana republic business suits with big chunky necklaces and hold funky clutches" kind of ensemble. She's an interesting one, keep her somewhere in your circle, if not on a more outer orbital.

The "i have deep embedded issues from my childhood in my psyche which constitutes my outwardly bitchy attitude and a type-a personality as well as penis-envy complex" Friend:
Have they done it? ...No? Then it's stupid, or they don't care because they're busy with what they're doing right now. Have you heard about it? ...No? Well it's really fucking important and the 8 people who are in her life know all about it and believe that it is the most important thing to have ever happened to anyone they know. ...and believe me, it is. These girls brainwash the petty as they stomp over the general public. There is very little that they can't say something about, even if they probably know nothing about it, because you see it all relates back to them and their life. ...No? it doesn't? Sure it does, just let them tell you about it. I don't have an answer for these girls, they are basically very scary and i have no idea what is going to become of them.

The "i don't like other women because i'm a slut and when they're around they make me look less cute but i won't say that so i'll just pour my drink on them" Friend
She is trouble. But you love it. She's the one who says that shit about the girl you hate to her face and then smashes her head into the ground outside of the club, even though the next day you wake up without any particular reason of why u hated that other girl in the first place or why everyone started bitch slapping each other in front of you.... or why u decided to jump in knowing damn well you don't fight and you don't even know who you're smacking in the face. She is a firestarter, adrenaline in the physical, female form, but she's really just hurt and lost and never had enough toys for herself on the playground as a little girl. Either that or no one ever picked her for duck-duck goose. But that doesn't matter, she's the friend who bitches you out and then you spend the rest of the day wondering why she said it. Who cares? She didn't care. She said it because life sucks and she wants you to know it. Don't be happy for too long around her, she'll instinctively start ripping away at you at the seams, knocking you down a knotch just so you'll know what it's like to be the rebound fuck. She's been the rebound fuck. She's been it many, many times. She's always a hostess or involved in some similar occupation requiring little skill and providing ample free time for dishing dirty laundry on all of the staff to all of the staff. They all hate her for it, but live vicariously through it in their minimum wage jobs from hell. She'll punch someone in the face, for you or for herself. In fact she may punch you in the face for herself. Don't ever hate this girl, just push her slowly but steadily out of your life once you enter your late 20's in suburbia or early 30's in the city.

This is just a small compilation of people we all know and love that have come into our lives at one point or another, causing a ruckus, making us emotive, inspiring us to do more, forcing us to do less and like it, helping us through tough times, and creating some interesting memories that the valium can't seem to erase. Many will be soccer moms alongside yourself, so it's wise to not tell them which one they are on this list, just be as much a part of their journey as they have been for yours, it will nevertheless be an interesting one.
Especially if it's with the drunk one who wears really bad underwear, her stories are always the best.